Signs You May Be A CW Character

The CW Network, my favouritest of favourite televised entertainment providers, starts airing all-new shows again in October. In advance of this important day, I want to provide y’all with a checklist you can use to determine if you--yes, you!--are a CW character.

Family Stuff

• Your mother is a Crime Lord.
• One or more of your parents has faked their own death.
• Your uncle is evil.
• Your twin is evil.
• Your brother is evil.
• Or your brother's, like, super boring, which is its own kind of evil.
• You or someone close to you has recently learned they have a minimum of one random half-sibling.

Environmental Factors

• Nobody is poor, except that one guy.
• A large, psychic animal (or animal-aspected person) has moved to town.
• Your school has a carnival.
• Someone close to you has gone dramatically mad, possibly because of the summer hiatus they spent in hell (literal or otherwise).
• The mayor’s charming exterior is a poor mask for the evil that lurks in their soul.
• A quick leap through a plate glass window never hurt anybody.

• A Terrible Secret looms over your town or space station.
• You are the only one who can do something about it. Luckily, you have A Plan.
• You've grappled with a villain in an abandoned warehouse.
• What’s supposed to happen in warehouses, anyway? You’ve never heard of one that wasn’t abandoned.
• There are multiple ancient temples buried beneath your modern American city. They all look vaguely Greek.
• Your grocery store has a white pillar candle department, just in case you run out. You will never run out.

Personal Issues

• A man you thought you could trust has not told you about his Secret Baby.
• You believe the best way to make an entrance is to jump off of something.
• You’re a student who hasn’t been to school in four months, but your grades are fine and the administration has not expelled you.
• You just want a normal life, dagnabbit.
• Most of your friends have DARK PASTS.
• You and your dark-pasted friends are always careful to adopt heroic poses while you consider the latest threat to your happiness.
• Your loved ones must never learn the truth.
• You did it to protect them.
• Turns out, your latest crush came to town specifically to murder you.