Friday, September 23, 2016

Signs You May Be A CW Character

Gif of Rogelio from Jane the Virgin screaming, She said that I was dramatic?!

The CW Network, my favouritest of favourite televised entertainment providers, starts airing all-new shows again in October. In advance of this important day, I want to provide y’all with a checklist you can use to determine if you--yes, you!--are a CW character.

Gif of Jane from Jane the Virgin saying, No, it's not your fault, I mean, my mother does a lot of stupid stuff too.

Family Stuff

  • Your mother is a Crime Lord.
  • One or more of your parents has faked their own death.
  • Your uncle is evil.
  • Your twin is evil.
  • Your brother is evil.
  • Or your brother's, like, super boring, which is its own kind of evil.
  • You or someone close to you has recently learned they have a minimum of one random half-sibling.

Gif of Wally from The Flash saying, Weirder than a talking shark wearing pants?

Environmental Factors

  • Nobody is poor, except that one guy.
  • A large, psychic animal (or animal-aspected person) has moved to town.
  • Your school has a carnival.
  • Someone close to you has gone dramatically mad, possibly because of the summer hiatus they spent in hell (literal or otherwise).
  • The mayor’s charming exterior is a poor mask for the evil that lurks in their soul.
  • A quick leap through a plate glass window never hurt anybody.
Screenshot of a witch from The Vampire Diares surrounded by at least fifty white pillar candles.

  • A Terrible Secret looms over your town or space station.
  • You are the only one who can do something about it. Luckily, you have A Plan.
  • You've grappled with a villain in an abandoned warehouse.
  • What’s supposed to happen in warehouses, anyway? You’ve never heard of one that wasn’t abandoned.
  • There are multiple ancient temples buried beneath your modern American city. They all look vaguely Greek.
  • Your grocery store has a white pillar candle department, just in case you run out. You will never run out.
Black and white gif of Elena from The Vampire Diaries saying, I was stupid to think that my life could be normal.

Personal Issues

  • A man you thought you could trust has not told you about his Secret Baby.
  • You believe the best way to make an entrance is to jump off of something.
  • You’re a student who hasn’t been to school in four months, but your grades are fine and the administration has not expelled you.
  • You just want a normal life, dagnabbit.
  • Most of your friends have DARK PASTS.
  • You and your dark-pasted friends are always careful to adopt heroic poses while you consider the latest threat to your happiness.
  • Your loved ones must never learn the truth.
  • You did it to protect them.
  • Turns out, your latest crush came to town specifically to murder you.
Gif of the guy who plays Michael on Jane the Virgin. He transforms his smile into a grimace as he passes his hands over his face. The caption reads, Michael, the devoted boyfriend with a dark past.

6 comments:

  1. Oh, shoot. It turns out I'm a CW character after all. I need to go buy more candles.

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    Replies
    1. Good luck with your forthcoming season.

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  2. According to this, all the guys from the Raven Boys are CW characters. It's a sign!

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    Replies
    1. Surely the CW has already greenlit a TV adaptation!

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  3. THIS FOREVERRRRRRR.

    Did I tell you that one of my all-time universal drinking game rules is that if there's a roomful of candles, you take a drink? Another one is if someone on the show calls someone else on the show by their first and last names. Can that be a CW show rule? They do it on the CW show all the damn time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If that's your all-time universal drinking game, how do you still have a liver?

      Delete