The CW Network, my favouritest of favourite televised entertainment providers, starts airing all-new shows again in October. In advance of this important day, I want to provide y’all with a checklist you can use to determine if you--yes, you!--are a CW character.
- Your mother is a Crime Lord.
- One or more of your parents has faked their own death.
- Your uncle is evil.
- Your twin is evil.
- Your brother is evil.
- Or your brother's, like, super boring, which is its own kind of evil.
- You or someone close to you has recently learned they have a minimum of one random half-sibling.
- Nobody is poor, except that one guy.
- A large, psychic animal (or animal-aspected person) has moved to town.
- Your school has a carnival.
- Someone close to you has gone dramatically mad, possibly because of the summer hiatus they spent in hell (literal or otherwise).
- The mayor’s charming exterior is a poor mask for the evil that lurks in their soul.
- A quick leap through a plate glass window never hurt anybody.
- A Terrible Secret looms over your town or space station.
- You are the only one who can do something about it. Luckily, you have A Plan.
- You've grappled with a villain in an abandoned warehouse.
- What’s supposed to happen in warehouses, anyway? You’ve never heard of one that wasn’t abandoned.
- There are multiple ancient temples buried beneath your modern American city. They all look vaguely Greek.
- Your grocery store has a white pillar candle department, just in case you run out. You will never run out.
- A man you thought you could trust has not told you about his Secret Baby.
- You believe the best way to make an entrance is to jump off of something.
- You’re a student who hasn’t been to school in four months, but your grades are fine and the administration has not expelled you.
- You just want a normal life, dagnabbit.
- Most of your friends have DARK PASTS.
- You and your dark-pasted friends are always careful to adopt heroic poses while you consider the latest threat to your happiness.
- Your loved ones must never learn the truth.
- You did it to protect them.
- Turns out, your latest crush came to town specifically to murder you.